The Lion and the Little Girl

Sent to me by one of my former active duty buds

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. 

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. 

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. 

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' 

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' 

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.' 

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page: 



 

 U.S. MARINE 

ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT 

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH 

5th Grade Math Question

Driver not included.

Good luck with this and have fun! This is a 5th grade math problem.  If you can't stand word math problems, just delete now. This is not a trick question.  This is a real math problem so don't say that a bus has no legs.

There are 7 girls in a bus

Each girl has 7 backpacks

In each backpack, there are 7 big cats

For every big cat there are 7 little cats

Question: How many legs are there in the bus?

(remember, for this problem the driver is not included)

If you respond with your answer I'll let you know if you are correct.

Are Cajun's Smart?

Direct Quote attributed to "Larry, the Cable Guy"

"Even after the Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren't smart. I would like to state, for the record, that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody who would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats who can't swim is a damn genius".

Is it too bold to say that those that move back to New Orleans and the politicians that wasted taxpayer money in rebuilding the city are incredibly stupid.

Lite Reading for your Mental Health

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

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Scroll down for the answer.
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Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round.

Little Johnny

Although the following is humorous, at least to some, think about the implications on both sides.  I don't know the original author, but I wonder what his real intent is!

Mohammad, an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Oklahoma.

"What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad" answered the boy.

"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny" replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day Mohammad?"  asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammad, I am in America and now my name is Johnny."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion???  SHAME ON YOU!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked.   "What happened to you little Johnny"?

"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by Muslims."

Clocks in Heaven

I received this at work.  I don't think it is "politically correct," but it might be true.

A man died and went to Heaven.   As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.  He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are lie-clocks.   Everyone on Earth has a lie-clock.  Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."  

"Oh", said the man.  "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's.   The hands have never moved, indicating she's never told a lie." 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.  The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Obama's clock," asked the man?

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.   He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A Chili Story

This was sent to me by a friend from work.  I've changed a few words so that I could post it on this blog and not worry about offensive language.  Please note, even though it is written in first person, this was not me.   I've struggled with which category to file this under.  Relationships might be appropriate as could Health and Fitness.  However, in this case, because of the effect that it had upon Walmart and Albertsons, I've decided to post it under Civics.  Enjoy!

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to have problems' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market, a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.

Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my goodness', floating above the toilet seat because my rear end is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Holy Crap' and quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said,'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole thing because they claim they have to repaint the store.