Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their spouses. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their wives at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery  that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "And gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together -- it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes,"answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

I'm Fine

I received this from a friend today.  Yes, I'm doing fine - Hope you are too. 

An Idaho farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
 
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 
 
'Didn't you say to the policeman at the scene of the accident, 'I'm  fine?' asked the solicitor. 
 
Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... ' 
  
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 
  
Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '
  
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client, I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' 
  
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
  
Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. 
  
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorcycle turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
  
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you  feeling?' 
  
'Now what the heck would you say?'

Stimulus Explained

The following was sent to my office with the title "Stimulus Explained!  Note the 2nd line from the bottom.  It makes for interesting reading, but I don't think the stimulus really works this way. 

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The Butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay His debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro Note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism..

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.

I think a better model for explaining the stimulus is using a bucket brigade to move water from the left end of an Olympic swimming pool to the right end in order to raise the water level of the pool.  No matter how fast they pass the buckets, the volume of water in the pool isn't going to increase.  In fact, due to "sloppage"  the pool will end up with less water.

How to get along with the world

Living Near a School!

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.  He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered.

The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age.  Will you do me a favor?  I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

      

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.  "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

     

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

     

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

     

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Govt Effectiveness: Health Care and Bailouts

I've had this on my computer for quite a while.  More true now than ever.

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze? 

And now they expect us to trust them with Health Care.  Only certifiable idiots would promote or vote for such a concept.

Where has time gone?

I've been a bit remiss in posting to this blog.  Would it suffice to say the life got in the way?  Since my last post:

1. I've made my 3rd annual pilgramage to the Grand Canyon for some much needed R&R.  See Royal Arch and The Tonto Trail: It's done! Or is it?  for my write-up of this trip.
   
2. The 2010 mid-term elections are now history.  The Congress is now split with the Republicans having a majority in the House while the Senate still belongs to the Democrats.  It's time for some good old fashioned gridlock instead of the Freeway to Hades we've had during the past two years.  See my post Degenerative & Gridlock: Are these positive or negative words for my thoughts on gridlock in Washington.
3. I have a formal complaint against me at work.  If it wasn't so time consuming, it would actually be funny.  I'll know in a day or two how it turns out.
4. I went to my Grandson's 2nd grade class as the mystery reader.  I had a lot of fun reading to 2nd graders and having lunch in the school cafeteria with his class. 
5. Halloween is over and it's almost Thanksgiving!
6. And finally, My third daughter has announced her engagement and upcoming wedding.

In reflecting on Thanksgiving, I looked through my files and found the following proclamation.  Given the current situation in the U.S., could such a proclamation be made today?

Abraham Lincoln's 1863 Thanksgiving Proclamation

It is the duty of nations as well as of men to own their dependence upon the overruling power of God; to confess their sins and transgressions in humble sorrow, yet with assured hope that genuine repentance will lead to mercy and pardon; and to recognize the sublime truth, announced in the Holy Scriptures and proven by all history, that those nations are blessed whose God is the Lord.

Know that by His divine law, nations, like individuals, are subjected to punishments and chastisements in this world. May we not justly fear that the awful calamity of civil war which now desolates the land may be a punishment inflicted upon us for our presumptuous sins, to the needful end of our national reformation as a whole people?

We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of heaven; we have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity; we have grown in numbers, wealth and power as no other nation has ever grown.

But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand which preserved us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us, and we have vainly imagined in the deceitfulness of our hearts, that all these blessings were produced by some superior wisdom and virtue of our own.  Intoxicated with unbroken success, we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God that made us.

It has seemed to me fit and proper that God should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged, as with one heart and one voice, by the whole American people. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November as a day of Thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens.

A. Lincoln, October 3, 1863

Although the current President states that he is a Christian, I don't believe it and I certainly don't think that he would have the conviction to make a similar proclamation (My rationale for thinking that Obama doesn't believe or believe in Christ, 'By their works shall ye know them').  

How Brilliant Are You?

As usual, this came from a friend of mine.  I had a tough time deciding where to post it.  Is it a current event item - not really.   Civics - perhaps.  Health - there are topics on smoking and heart problems, or is that Fitness?  Relations and Leisure - it's a stretch.  I'll post it under English.  Didn't we all have an English class where we had to do an impromptu speech on some off the wall topic?

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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CRABBY OLD MAN

This came across my desk the other from a good friend at work.  Definitely worth reading.  Apparently it it is anonymous and perhaps we'll never know this "Crabby Old Man."

"When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in  GRASS VALLEY, CA. it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.  Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to  Missouri.

The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.  And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet."


Crabby Old Man...  RIP

What do you see nurses? . . .. .. . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . . . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . .. . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . . . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . open and see.
Not a crabby old man . . . . Look closer . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.  We will all, one day, be there, too!

The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart. 

When I read this poem, I thought of my wife's maternal grandmother.  During the few years that I knew her, she was a noble women that blessed my life.   She was a sterling example of love and kindness to my wife whom she raised as one of her own children.  Unfortunately the last few years weren't so kind to her and the last few times we visited, there was sometimes only a glimpse of recognition.  A needed reminder to myself to appreciate those that have given so much.

The Ant & the Grasshopper

I usually post to this blog on weekends, but this just came in from a co-worker and its too important not to post as soon as reasonably possible.  I'm using my lunch break to make this post.  The title should be familiar, we've heard the story since we were children.  They even made a movie about it (A Bugs Life), but as a society, have we learned the lesson?  More importantly, do the politicians understand the difference.  Read on...

This one is a little different ... Two Different Versions ... Two Different Morals

OLD VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. 

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
 
MODERN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.  Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green...'

ACORN stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, “We shall overcome.”

Then Rev. Jeremiah Wright has the group kneel down to pray for the grasshopper's sake.
President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity, Stimulus #12, & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2010. 
I've sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant – not a grasshopper!
Make sure that you pass this on to other ants.
Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway




p.s.  My 7 year old grandson understands the principle and the solution real well.  He was helping me do yard work yesterday and caught several grasshoppers.  Without any prompting from me, he killed the freeloading grasshoppers and then looked for some hardworking ants.

Never Again - Or so I thought

The following is from  R.C. "Doc" Weaver.  I received it a number of years ago, just after Bill Clinton left the White House.  I never thought that I would see that day that I thought things could go worse than the Billy & Hilly show.  Boy was I wrong.  The Obama abomination makes the Billy & Hilly show appear very mellow.

Never again will I have to watch Bill Clinton walk down the steps of Air Force One while a proud Marine in full dress uniform crisply salutes him. A Marine who fully comprehends duty, honor and country in a way that the man he is saluting never will.

Never again will I have to watch Bill Clinton on Veterans' Day place a wreath on the hallowed Tomb of the Unknown Soldier while he dramatically bites his lower lip in an effort to appear that he cares or even appreciates what this place is all about. A place where truly brave men and women who personally paid the ultimate price for freedom are forever remembered.

Never again will I have to watch Bill Clinton on national television wag his finger at each and every American and unconscionably lie to us. Never again will I have to witness Bill Clinton sending young men and women of the military into frivolous but life-threatening action to deflect attention from the personal scandals that confront him at home. Never again will I see Bill Clinton's name on a ballot. Never again will I be embarrassed by Bill Clinton's disgusting and abhorrent behavior with a twenty-four year old woman in the Oval Office.

Never again will Bill Clinton have the power to conduct an eight year" social experiment" with the United States Armed Forces,driving the best out while systematically crippling the overall capability, effectiveness and morale of the remaining troops. Never again will I have to be embarrassed to say Bill Clinton represents me, a proud citizen of the United States of America.

Never again will Bill Clinton be able to sell the historic Lincoln Bedroom to the highest bidder, the Chinese, felons, and other disreputable characters. Never again will I have to watch Bill Clinton departing church with equally pitiful wife clutching an oversized Bible in his hand as if to make us believe that he has repented for any of his misdeeds.  Never again will I have to see a joint session of Congress rise to their feet in the Capital building when the deceitful and shameless Bill Clinton enters the chamber.

And finally, Never again will I have to refer to Bill Clinton as "President of the United States."

By  R.C. "Doc" Weaver

Winter is coming - again

This is posted under current events because winter is coming.  I don't remember where I got this, but it is certainly sage advice for younger drivers. 

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the young blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.  She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.  That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.  As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next....

....go figure!

The "Bear"

Earlier this month (on a Tuesday), I was in a work meeting with Blair, an old friend from Rigby.  After the meeting, we chatted for a few minutes and he asked if I was planning on "Doing the Bear" this Saturday.  Do the what?  I asked.

Blair proceeded to tell me about an annual Scout event of biking the Bear.  The Bear referring to Bear Lake on the Idaho Utah border.  He told me that it was a 50 mile loop and if you did it twice, it was a century.

Now, I've never done a century and I've only done one 50 mile segment in a single day - and I thought I was going to die.  He then told me that the event was that weekend and that it was probably all sold out.  Good, I thought.  My road bike had a broken chain and I definitely wasn't going to do 50 miles on my Mt. bike.  My riding this year has been sort of abysmal.  I've done less than 350 miles this year, Never-the-less, I'll check it out, it will be full, end of discussion. 

That evening I checked out the "Bike the Bear" web page and found that it wasn't sold out.  I checked my calendar with my better half and she said to "go for it."  So I signed up.

Friday, 13 August.   I left work a little early, got my stuff together, including tent, sleeping bag, water bottles, snacks; everything I would need for a quick overnighter.  As I neared Logan, I realized that I had forgotten my helmet.  So I stopped in Logan and bought a new helmet.  I wanted a spare helmet anyway.

I got up to Camp Hunt, registered, and went over to dinner when I ran into Blair.  We had an enjoyable dinner together and he told me he was going to do the century.  I was committed for the 50, but a century - I don't think so.

After dinner, he showed me his campsite and there was plenty of room, so I decided to pitch my tent in the same area.  As I was getting my stuff out of the car, I realized that I also left my shoes and gloves.  Major oops.  I can't bike 1 mile let along 50 without my bike shoes.  I went back to Blair, told him I had to go get my stuff and took off for Ogden.

As I made the turn at the T intersection to head back to Logan & home, I got a hold of Jen on my cell.  I told her I was headed home to pick up my shoes.  She offered to meet me Logan so I wouldn't have to drive all the way.  That worked for me, so we met in Logan, I got my shoes and headed back to Bear Lake.

When I arrived a Bear Lake, rather than going to Camp Hunt, I decided to pitch my tent behind the church where the even was going to start.  I barely had it set up, when the cops came by and said I couldn't camp there, but I could go down about 1/4 mile and across the street and set up camp there.  So pack things up again, move and re-establish camp.  It's now 11:00 p.m.  It's going to be a short night.  Now I know the truth behind Friday the 13th.

Saturday 14 Aug.  I was up at 6 a.m., had a small bite to eat, packed up my stuff and moved the 1/4 mile back to the starting point.  People were just starting to gather while I unloaded my bike and got prepared for the event.  As I rode over to the starting point, I met up with Blair.  I told him that I'd follow him, because I definitely wasn't confident in my ability to do 50 miles without hardly any training.  The longest ride I've made this year is 12.5 miles.

We took off at 6:51 and I followed Blair for a couple hundred yards.  He was at his cruising speed and so I decided I'd be better of going at my normal speed.  I passed him and never saw him again.

I made several brief stops along the route to refill my water bottles and grab some snacks.  I was probably towards the front of the pack.  A saw a few people ahead of me and passed most of them, but there were others that blew right by me and left me in the dust.  I arrived back at the starting point at 9:50.  It took me just under 3 hours to complete the 50 miles.

When I pulled in, a girl runs up to me with a medal and asks if I want the medal now, or do I want to do it again.  Well, I was feeling pretty good, so I decided to do it again.  After a 10 minute stop, I took off and did the entire thing again.  However, this time was different.

1.  The Hills.  Those little hills on the East side of the lake - they grew.  On the first lap, I cruised up these little hills at 16 mph.  The second time - 9 mph was the best I could do.

2.  The Breeze.  On the first lap, As I rounded each of the four major corners, I could tell a distinct shift in the breeze.  The second lap, no matter which way I rode, the wind was in my face.  I don't know how that works, perhaps I should have been riding clockwise instead of counterclockwise.

3.  The Bike Seat.  The final thing that was different on the two laps was the size of my bike seat.  On the first lap, it wasn't bad.  But while I took my ten minute break between laps, I swear that somebody changed the seat on my bike.  This new seat was like a razor blade and I'm sitting on the edge.

All in all though, it was a good ride.  I pulled into the finish at about 1:45.  It took 3 hours for the first lap and 3.75 hours for the second lap.  Although I didn't set any speed records, I feel good with the times and the task accomplished.  Next year, I'll try to get the young men from my ward to come up and "Bike the Bear."

LOTOJA anyone?

Beer and Taxes

I recently received the following story from my brother. The original author is unknown to me, but he certainly hits the mark. I had a hard time determining if this should be posted under Current Events, Finances, or English. I ruled out English, even though it is a well written article. Upon further examination, I ruled out finances - I don't drink beer. But that only leaves Current Events - ah - perfect. Uncle Sam is using the same technique on all of us.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The Beer
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing. The fifth would pay $1. The sixth would pay $3. The seventh would pay $7. The eighth would pay $12. The ninth would pay $18. The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. ‘Since you are all such good customers,’ he said, ‘I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20.’ Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men – the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share?’ They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay. And so: The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings). The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings). The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings). The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings). The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings). The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free.

But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings. ‘I only got a dollar out of the $20? declared the sixth man. Then he pointed at the tenth man, ‘but he got $10!’ ‘Yeah, that’s right,’ exclaimed the fifth man. ‘I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than I!’ ‘That’s true!!’ shouted the seventh man. ‘Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!’ ‘Wait a minute,’ yelled the first four men in unison. ‘We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!’

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

The Taxes
And that is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Are you MATURE?

You know you're getting marvelously mature when................

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in you eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

I've had trouble deciding whether this should be a fitness topic or a health topic. Either way, I'm way to familiar with these 28 items.

Anniversary Troubles

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

I don't know who originally submitted this article. But it's a keeper.

Relationships - Do I Dare?

I've debated long and hard concerning developing a relationships 101 course.  But what the heck.  Live a little, what's life without taking a little risk.  The following are two short articles from various emails that I've received. 

Those final moments

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to meet or exceed the following minimums:
1. Personable:  a friend, companion, brother, father
2. Skilled:  a chef, electrician, carpenter, plumber, mechanic, decorator, stylist, pest exterminator, organizer
3. Health Professional:  sexologist, gynecologist, psychologist, psychiatrist, healer
4. Family Oriented:  a good father, listener, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant
5. Solid Character:  sympathetic, warm, attentive, intelligent, funny, creative
6. Provider:   ambitious, prudent, capable, courageous, determined
7. Showable:  very clean, athletic, gallant, true, dependable, passionate, compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
8.  give her compliments regularly, but never look at other girls
9. be very rich and love shopping
10. be honest, but never stress her out

AND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:
11. give her lots of attention, but expect little himself
12. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
13. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

FINALLY, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
14. Never forget:
     a. * birthdays *
     b. * anniversaries *
     c. * arrangements she makes *
 
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote

To all the women in my life, from my newest granddaughter, to my mother and especially all the female members of my immediate family, am I in trouble?

Recent Events - A new Arrival and a Departure

This has been a week for reflection.  On Thursday our family welcomed a new additional into our lives.  We have a beautiful new granddaughter.  She was born on 22 July and weighs 7 lbs 4 ounces.  A beautiful new little girl to enlighten our lives.

The new mom and baby Katie are both doing well.  I think the dad is also doing quite well.  The grandparents on both sides of the family excited to have a new grandchild to bless our lives.


However, we also received information on the passing of a dear friend.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Life is full of surprises and we welcome those changes that have a positive impact on our lives as well as those changes that sometimes negatively affect our lives as long as we can learn and grow from the experience.

Note:  Thanks to whomever sent me the obituary on the Pillsbury Doughboy.  Truly a great loss.

The Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop, who was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his car. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"  The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic,  "Try doing it with the engine running."  (Received 17 July, 2010,  via e-mail from my friend Dick Stone)

Earl Nightingale gave the following explanation of why some people make much more than others.  "A janitor is just as important, as a human being, as a brain surgeon is.  But the amount of money they will earn will be proportional to the demand for what they do, their ability to do what they do, and the difficulty of replacing them.  In a few weeks, a person can be trained to clean and maintain a building, and replacing the person is not difficult.  A brain surgeon spends many years learning his profession-often at great personal sacrifice and at extremely high cost-and he cannot be easily replaced.  As a result, the surgeon might earn as much money in an hour as a janitor might earn in a year.

"Now, these are extreme cases used to show the relation of income to demand, skill and supply.  But this is as it should be."  (Quoted from Earl Nightingale, Lead the Field, pg 47)

Recapping - The amount you earn is dependent on:
1.  The demand for what you do.
2.  Your ability to do what you do.
3.  The difficulty in replacing you.

I believe that these three statements are natural laws or principles.  If they were understood and universally applied, every working person would be rewarded fairly according to their contribution.  Minimum wage laws and strikes by unions perturb the natural law and are inherently unfair to society.  The high income earners have their income stolen by governments, while the lower income earners frequently have higher salaries than they deserve based on the three laws.

But what about the poor guy trying to support a family of two, three, four or even more children on a minimum wage job at a fast food restaurant.  Doesn't he have a 'right' to a salary that he can support his family on?  Let's apply the principle.

1.  Is there a demand for a burger flipper?  Yes.
2.  Does the burger flipper have the ability?  Yes.
3.  Is it easy to replace a burger flipper?  Yes.  No college degree required.  A food handler's permit is required - but it's easy to get.  Training on how put a burger on a grill, flip it without dropping it on the floor, and then putting condiments, the burger, onions, pickles, lettuce on a sesame seed bun and wrapping it up.  Let's be generous - two weeks.

Two weeks training for a burger flipper, 12 or more years training for a cardiologist or brain surgeon.  Why is the burger flipper getting pack $7.25/hour.  If there are people looking for that type of work, the wage should fall.  It the employee is having a hard time keeping his employees, then he/she would raise the wage until the personnel turnover is below his pain threshold.

As a kid, I worked pulling weeds in potato fields for 50 cents an hour.  It was a fair wage.  I got the money, the farmers got weed free potato fields.  All parties were happy.  If I had demanded a wage of $.75/hour, the farmers would have simply found other kids willing to work for $.50/hour.

Idiots, Car Keys, Whiskey, The Taxidermist, & more

Here's some of my favorite quotes on government.  I received this list years ago via e-mail.  Considering the current situation, I'm sure there are plenty of Socialism 101 quotes.  Perhaps I should start out with one of Mr. Obama's "Share the Wealth" statements or maybe his "sharing a sandwich" story.

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a Congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain

17. Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Gerald Ford

The Politics of Ice Cream

The following was received via email in early January 2009 from a Nashville area 3rd grade teacher. 

 "The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade this year. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president.

"We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

"To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

"The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother.

"The day arrived when they were to make their speeches. Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Every one applauded. He sat down and Olivia came to the podium.

"Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild.

"Yes!Yes! We want ice cream."

"She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed.  How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it. She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream.

"Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide."

Free ice cream is "courtesy" of nearly all of our elected politicians (the photo of the ice cream cone came from answers.com).  Nearly every time a politician of either party opens his/her mouth, they offer ice cream and it seems that most Americans are under the impression that no one will ever need to pay for the ice cream.

Hey America - there's no such thing as a free lunch!

Degenerative & Gridlock: Are these positive or negative words

In our quest for mastery of the English language, we occasionally come across words that are used so frequently in one context, that we fail to recognize a change when used in a different context.  Bear with me through two examples and why I believe this distinction is important.

Example #1:  Degenerative
Degenerate -verb / Degenerative -adjective
1.  characterized by degeneration
2.  to fall below a normal or desirable level in physical, mental, or moral qualities, deteriorate
3.  to diminish in quality, esp. from a former state of coherence, balance, integrity, etc.
4.  having lost, or become impaired with respect to, the qualities proper to the race or kind.
(adapted from http://dictionary.reference.com)

Other definitions exist, but all imply the same thing:  Degeneration is a bad thing!  Degeneration is frequently used context of various types of degenerative diseases, (such as degenerative disc disease, hearing, arthritis, etc.) and over the past four decades we've seen the impact of degenerative social norms.

However, in the Electrical Engineering world, degenerative feedback is a good thing and is essential to keeping amplifiers stable.  Degenerative feedback (for those that may be wondering what it is) occurs when part of an amplifiers output is inverted and fed back as an input to the amplifier, thus degenerative (negative) feedback.  In contrast, squealing loudspeakers occur when a microphone picks up the loudspeaker's output and re-amplifies it causing a regenerative (positive) feedback.

Example #2:  Gridlock
Gridlock -noun
1.  The stoppage of free vehicular movement in an urban area because key intersections are blocked by traffic.
2.  The blocking of an intersection by vehicular traffic entering the intersection but unable to pass through it.

3.  any situation in which nothing can move or proceed in any direction:  a financial gridlock due to high interest rates.

Another definition is :  "A government, business or institution's inability to function at a normal level due either to complex or conflicting procedures within the administrative framework or to impending change in the business" (from http://dictionary.reference.com).

The media is quick to point out instances of terrible gridlock in Washington, D.C.  They aren't referring to the traffic on the beltway, but to conflicts within Congress if the Senate and House are controlled by different parties, or if Congress and the White House are in different parties.  Indeed, when these situations occur, it is hard to get bills through Congress, or if they make it through Congress, it may be difficult to get them signed by the President.

Thus, there is a popular belief that gridlock is a bad thing and should always be avoided.  Is there a possible parallel between degenerative and gridlock?  I gave an example where the use of a degenerative signal in electronics is a good thing, can a similar example be applied to gridlock?


Take gridlock in Washington, D.C.  Is this a bad thing?  I don't think so.  In fact, bring on the gridlock!  The less Washington politicians can get accomplished, the better the entire country is.  If there truly is a real emergency, both Houses and the President should be able to find an acceptable solution, but other than those few real emergencies, the less they do, the less damage they inflict upon the country.

To facilitate more gridlock, perhaps we should make a few changes.  As much as I dislike entertaining changes to the Constitution, I would consider an amendment that states that the House and Senate can never be controlled by the same party, and the president must come from yet a third party?  Would this ensure the blissful, sought after state of nearly total paralysis in Washington?  Probably not, (it seems that most politicians and lawyers are conniving, devious individuals that have a evil ability to warp or twist anything due to their lack of moral foundation) but paralysis in Washington (i.e. limited federal power) would have positive effects that easily outweigh any negatives.  Washington gridlock would:
1.  give the States an opportunity to reclaim power given by the Constitution, but usurped by the federal government.
2.  allow citizens of this country should also reclaim all powers from both the state and federal governments and get back to the meaning of the Tenth Amendment.
3.  avoid the preponderance of stupid bills that have been passed by Congress and signed by the President in the past 80 years (or more).  In fact, I believe the number of positive things (in accordance with the Constitution) that have come out of Washington in the past 80 years could be counted on one hand).

Examples of congressional stupidity are the recent stimulus and health care bills.  Jon M. Huntsman in his book "Winners Never Cheat" gives the following statistics:

"The First Amendment is 45 words;
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words;
There are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence,
but the government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words."

If the modern estimate of 275 words per page is close, the government regulations on the sale of cabbage is 97 pages.  If the same ratio holds true for the Health Care bill, then there is approximately 742,500 words in this bill.  Has anyone read the entire thing?  Can anyone understand it?

The current administration ran on a slogan of change, Well here are some changes I can believe in:
1.  The Constitution is the litmus test against which all Congressional and Executive actions are measured.
2.  Congress shall be called into session for no more than two weeks per quarter.  Pay for these two weeks shall be at a GS 12 step 10 rate or their current salary, which ever is less.
3.  Congress shall inact no law, nor shall the President sign any law, that excludes themselves from the provision of that law.
4.  Congress shall inact no law, nor shall the President sign any law, that applies only to themselves.
5.  Senators and Congressmen shall serve for no more than 1 term.  No congressman or senator may be elected or appointed to serve in the other branch of Congress.
6.  A bill, any bill, before Congress should address one topic and one topic only.  Short, sweet, to the point, no exceptions for Congress or the President, no special benefits for unions, corporations, blacks, whites, blues, or greens and eliminate all the strap-hanging riders that get added on.
7.  Budgets will be balanced each year.  Congress shall not be dismissed (nor paid) if the budget is not balanced, nor will the President get paid and his expense account will be frozen until the budget is balanced.

The Rest of the Story

One of my favorite places is the Grand Canyon.  Over the past 30 years, I've been there a few times and have spent 28 nights below the rim and 7 nights camping on the rim.  I was recently reading a book about a more morbid side of the Canyon written by Michael P. Ghiglieri & Thomas M. Myers.  The title - Over the Edge: Death in Grand Canyon.  I know, it might seem weird to read about the falls, flash floods, drownings, hypothermia, heat stroke, heart attacks, aircraft mishaps, murders and suicides.  However, Chapter 6:  Lightning Never Strikes Twice: Freak Errors and Accidents, was especially interesting.  I was enjoying the chapter when I read the following passage beginning with the last paragraph of page 284.

"Consider March 25, 1991.  It had snowed hard during the night.  Then it snowed even more during the day.  The wind howled, creating big drifts on the Bright Angel Trail.  To cap it all off, fog set in, swirling with the wind-driven snow.  Helicopter flights became unsafe.  But for mule packer Stanley Sloan, these demons of winter were unavoidable.  "Since I had to get supplies down to the inner canyon people, such as the rangers, trail crew workers and maintenance, I couldn't let the snow stop me."

"Sloan prepared his mules with good winter shoes to prevent their sliding on the trail.  Ominously, however, the trail itself had become not only hard to walk on, but hard even to see.

"Sloan headed down the Bright Angel Trail.  But he stopped after a few minutes to radio Dispatch to inform them of his intent and of the conditions on the trail. Sloan explains what happened from here:

"What came next happened so fast that it was impossible to correct the chain of events.  My #1 lead mule must have stumbled in a snowdrift.  Next thing I knew we were being pulled toward the side of the trail.  I guess the snow gave away and I felt the mule string falling.  I bailed off the mule to save myself.  I had a long lead rope to my first mule that went under my right leg to the saddle horn.  After I bailed off, the rope came undone from the saddle horn.  And Susan, my mule didn't fall.

"By the time I got back on my feet and on the trail everything had already happened.  All the mules were in a pile in a small wash below the trail.  They had fallen 200 feet down the canyon.

"Sloan ran down the trail to find four of his mules amazingly alive, but all of them, having been tethered together and yanked off, were in bad shape.  One of them Gail, had a ten-inch laceration in her shoulder and was "in shock from the fall."  Amazingly she-and she alone-survived, being well doctored by farrier Dan Cook."

Do you know where you were on March 25, 1991?  I remember clearly where I was!

My oldest daughter (just days shy of 9 years old), my 12 year old twin sons, my father and I had decided to go camping over spring break.  Our campsite was at 7000 feet and March weather at 7000 feet is frequently unpredictable.  So we were prepared for rain, snow or sunshine.  On our first day, the weather was excellent and we were able to see a few sites and set up a camp in a secluded area about half mile off of the main road.

Our plans for the second day included a day hike.  It had snowed a lot during the night and my van had over 20 inches of snow on it.  The snow was deep enough that I was a bit worried that we might not make it from our campsite to the main road so that we could drive to the trailhead. I was also concerned about weather and trail conditions and if I had properly prepared my kids for a hike in adverse weather conditions.  Slick mountain trails, snow, wind, and fog aren't necessarily the best conditions to hike in.  But I had been on the selected trail several times, always in winter conditions. I decided to shorten the hike, but still give the kids and my dad a winter-like hiking experience.

After getting to the trail head and getting our winter gear on, we started on the trail.  Our destination - a rest shelter 1.5 miles away.  We made it to the shelter and climbed inside to get out of the cold and snow.  Some would say it was a lugubrious day, the visibility was limited, but at times it lifted and we were treated to a marvelous view.  It was quiet and we had the entire trail to ourselves.  We hadn't seen as soul since leaving the trail head. 

The storm persisted and finally we decided to head back to the van.  The boys quickly put on their day packs and headed out of the shelter.  My daughter and father were a wee bit slower and so I waited for them as I watched my boys go around the first bend in the trail.  The three of us hit the trail within seconds after the boys disappeared.  As we got to the same bend where I had just seen my boys disappear, we heard an awful, gut wrenching sound.  I couldn't figure out what it was, but I knew it was close, it came from just around the bend.  My boys were the only ones that I knew for certain were just ahead of us on the trail.  Did something happen to them?

I started jogging along the trail.  Was it my boys?  Did one or both of them get injured in some way?

As I finished rounding the bend, there in front of me were four pack mules.  One was just starting to stand up and the other three were also alive, but down for the count.  The boys were nowhere in sight.  I looked down below the mules to see if by chance the boys had been pushed off the trail into the wash.  No boys.  I then looked up the slope and could see where the mules had slide and tumbled down the steep incline. My boys were just a minute or two ahead of me as we hiked along the trail and this accident ocurred between us.

It was March 25, 1991, my family and I were hiking the Bright Angel Trail.  Contrary to the narrative given in the book, the mules didn't stop in a pile in a small wash below the trail, they landed right on the trail between the boys and I while we were at most 2 minutes apart. 

As Paul Harvey would say:  "Now you know the rest of the story."

Afterward:  Shortly after we came to the mules (I don't remember if it was seconds or minutes), two men came running down the trail.  One was a National Park Ranger and the other was probably Mr. Sloan.  I don't remember which arrived first.  I asked if they had passed my boys hiking up the trail and neither of them could remember passing anyone.  I moved my daughter and father back down the trail around the bend and waited while they put three of the four mules down.  We then were able to pass between the bodies of the mules and continue our hike up to the trail head.

As soon as we got to the trailhead, we went into the Bright Angel Lodge and there were the boys.  They had been there for quite some time and were wondering what was taking us so long.  They didn't hear or see the mules but reported that they saw two men hurrying down the trail.

I'm extremely grateful that this incident in chapter 6: "Freak Errors and Accidents" was not associated with any human fatalities.  A few seconds either way, and the ending might have been tremendously different.

My new Exercise Program

I'm nearly a senior citizen.  It's time to modify my behavior so that I can stay in shape.  Here's my new program and I highly recommend it to all, old and young.  It seems pretty easy.

In order to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. Start slowly, just three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sack. Then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. 

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in the sack.
(original author unknown)

Your Duck is Dead

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.  He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but...with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

(Send me a post if you know the original source of this story.  It's a classic. )

How it all Got Started

"For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version:
 
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.  The two most important events in all of history were:
 
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel. 
 
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man.
 
These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
 
1.        Liberals
2.        Conservatives
 
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.  Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That's how villages were formed.
 
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
 
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.  This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.  Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.  The rest became known as girlie-men.  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided. 
 
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. 
 
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.   Another interesting evolutionary side note:  most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.  Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. 
 
Conservatives drink domestic beer.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. 
 
Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.   Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. 
 
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers, and to more liberals . . . just to tick them off."

(I recently received this from a good friend and co-worker. I take no credit for authorship and if you recognize the post and know who the author is, please let me know so that I can give proper credit. )