Eric's train ride

Ever get annoyed by loud obnoxious people using the cell phone in public?


*After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her
eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.*

*As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled
out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's
Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four
thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the
accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my
life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.*

*Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman
sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe,
yelled at the top of her voice:  "Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and
come back to bed!"

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.*

My favorite Acronyms: YCFS and YCMTSU

I used to hate acronyms.  I found two that I love!

The Air Force lives on acronyms.  A good policy is to always know the definitions of acronyms before you use them.  When you write, you must always define the acronym the first time it is used (You must also include a list of acronyms).  When speaking, well sometimes it can be confusing.

While enlisted, I used to work on jets - a communication/navigation specialist.  I learned lots of acronyms.  FTIT, ICCP, IDG and ILS to name just a few.  During training, I was almost put on bedcheck because I kept screwing up FTIT.  Then I got a commission and became an officer and worked on space systems. Rockets, Satellites, and SDI, oh my!  More acronyms.  I was lost in my first meeting as a 2nd Lieutenant engineer working on SDI (Strategic Defense Initiative AKA Star Wars), the acronyms were flying like A-10 bullets - some I recognized - like ILS.  But it didn't fit.  What were they thinking?  Putting an Instrument Landing System (ILS) on a rocket that goes boom at the other end!

A co-worker of mine - friend, mentor, peer - One of the things he has mentored me on is employee relations and my role as a supervisor.

(BTW, he was mad this afternoon.  He nearly went postal.  It's a good thing I'll be out of the office next week.  It will give him time to calm down.  I wasn' just merely in his view, I was the target of his anger.  Me!  Mild mannered, little 'ole me!  He threatened to shoot me.  As in Dead! 

This co-worker is normally a reasonable, rationale human being.  I depend on him as a mentor, for excellent advice in and out of the office environment.  Surely there had to be a reason for this 180 degree change.  I just don't understand what happened!)

I'm fairly new to this management stuff with government civilian employees.  I've been a supervisor on multiple occasions and have hired, counseled, motivated, disciplined and even fired workers in the past.  A number of years ago, I fired a young man that needed to be fired.  A few years later I met him again.  He told me that being fired was the best thing that ever happened to him.  (It helped him grow up.  He now has a wife, child, and is working on his PHD.)

As a supervisor while active duty, discipline issues were minimal, we had a big hammer called the First Sergeant, AKA the First Shirt or just the Shirt.  As a general rule, no one ever wanted to see the shirt over a discipline issue.

A fellow airman at Luke AFB decided to test the First Shirt.  He was a senior airman and decided he didn't want to fulfill his contract with the Air Force.  He bucked the system.  Grew his hair out so long that I didn't recognize him when we passed on a college campus.  While in uniform, he always kept it tucked up under his hat.  When ordered to take off the hat for a 35-10 inspection, he refused.  He was sent to the First Shirt and ended up paying $150 for a haircut and spent a considerable amount of time saluting the Commander's sign while standing in the Arizona sun.   A short time later - dishonorable discharge!
YCFS! YCMTSU!

Government employees - now that's a different story.  Most of them rank amoung the hardest workers I have ever met.  Some however, have a work ethic that leaves much to be desired.  A few never take responsibility for their actions, while others believe that filing a grievance seems to be their solution for everything.  I usually have code names for these individuals.  The codenames are terms like "Bubbles", "Magfo", and "STP".  When STP, Magfo or Bubbles were out of the office, it's a "Snowday" and snowdays are always good - just ask your kids.

Bubbles for example, came around the office soliciting funds from the staff because she couldn't pay her $600 rent payment.  Bubbles had a cat that somehow got stuck in the toilet.  The cat was wet and cold.  It got sick.  Bubbles got it out and took it to the vet.  Ah, $600 for a vet bill.  The next month, Bubbles came around asking for more money.  Needed it to pay the rent - again!  What happened this time?  Despite the best efforts from the vet, the cat died.  The funeral cost?  $600!
YCFS! YCMTSU!

STP had the self appointed responsibility to "Stir the Pot."

• Not happy today!  Management is responsible for your unhappiness, STP will help them file a grievance. 
• Security incident with a CAC card?  STP filed a hostile work environment complaint.  
• Counseled for spending too much time chit chatting in some-one else's cubicle, STP will file a Unfair Labor Practice.  
• Not happy with the appraisal?  Count on STP to file a "failure to meet expectations" grievance.  

I've had so many of them I've lost track.

• Not getting your own way?  Count on STP to file a disparate treatment grievance.  
• Get questioned about leaving work early, STP can change the date stamp on an old e-mail to prove attendance at work until after quitting time.  

STP is good, really good - doesn't hardly do any of the required work - we've had to 'dumb it down' and give work two full grades below the current salary.  But STP excels in Stirring the Pot.  Because of such ouststanding ability in Stirring the Pot, STP wanted all 9's on the appraisal - didn't get it - got a 64.  In order to settle the grievance, upper management raised the score to a 72.  Then STP wanted a bonus - unbelievable.

My pile of documentation grew daily.  Finally, after an 18 inch file and a modified email - Suspension! It snowed for a whole week.

• Lied to your supervisor and received a Suspension!  STP filed a grievance, the penalty was to harsh!

YCFS! YCMTSU!

What does this have to do with my co-worker.  The one that nearly went postal!  Upper management transferred STP to his organization.  My problems are over, but his--

List of Acronyms

AFB:  Air Force Base
AKA:  Also Known As
BTW:  By the way
CAC:  Computer Access Card or Controlled Access Card
FTIT:  Fan Turbine Inlet Temperture or Fan Turbine Intake Temperature (I still can't keep it straight)
IDG:  Internal Drive Generator
ILS:  Instrument Landing System or Integrated Logistics Support
ICCP:  Integrated Communications Control Panel
SDI:  Strategic Defense Initiative
STP:  Stir the Pot
YCFS:  You Can't Fix Stupid!
YCMTSU:  You Can't Make This Stuff Up!

The Man Rules

With the number of women in my life (spouse, 4 daughters, 2 daughter-in-laws, and 9 granddaughters, I'll probably get in trouble for this one. But it was too good to let it pass.

WOMEN PLEASE READ ------THIS IS IMPORTANT

We always hear "the rules" from the female side....Now here are the rules from the male side.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down!  Finally , the guys' side of the story.  ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

These are our rules!  Please note.. these are all numbered "1"  ON PURPOSE!

1.  Men are NOT mind readers.  ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.  Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1.  Crying is blackmail.

1.  Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

• Subtle hints do not work!
• Strong hints do not work!
• Obvious hints do not work!
• Just say it!

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1.  Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.  ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1.  If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .

1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1.  You have enough clothes.

1.  You have too many shoes.

1.  I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

It's Spring, Time to prepare the Garden

Sent by an acquaintance at work.  Excellent use of resources.


An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plan his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.  Love Papa"


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.  Love Vinnie"


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.  That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love you, Vinnie"

Politically Incorrect

I don't usually make blond jokes, I have two daughters that are on the blond side.  However sometimes the stories are just to good to pass on.  The biggest challenge is trying to figure out how to categorize it.  I've decided that relationships 101 is the proper category.

1.  Two blonds were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

2.  Five blonde women enter a bar and order a bottle of champagne and ten glasses from the bartender. They go and occupy a table, set a small framed picture in the middle,and start "high fiving" and dancing around the table chanting, "51 days! 51 days!"

A few minutes later, five more blondes enter the bar and join the others at the table. There is much laughing and merriment, alternating with the ritual chanting of "51 days! 51 days!"

Finally, the bartender can no longer control his curiosity and he strolls over to the table to see what is going on.

In the center is a picture of the cookie monster in a frame. When the bartender asks what the celebration is all about, one of the women says, "We were all tired of the blonde jokes about how dumb we are, so we got together and put this puzzle together. On the package it said '2 to 4 years', but we all worked together and put the puzzle together in 51 days!"

4.  A woman went to a doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.

 

After hearing the story the doctor marched back to the first and demanded. What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?

 

 The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked, Does she still have the hiccups?

Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their spouses. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their wives at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery  that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "And gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together -- it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes,"answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

CRABBY OLD MAN

This came across my desk the other from a good friend at work.  Definitely worth reading.  Apparently it it is anonymous and perhaps we'll never know this "Crabby Old Man."

"When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in  GRASS VALLEY, CA. it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.  Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to  Missouri.

The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.  And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet."


Crabby Old Man...  RIP

What do you see nurses? . . .. .. . What do you see?
What are you thinking . . . . . when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man . . . . . not very wise,
Uncertain of habit . . . . . with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . . . . 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice . . . . . the things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . . . lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? . . . . . Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am. . . . . . As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, . . . . . as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten . . . . . with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters . . . . . who love one another.

A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet.
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other . . .. . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . .. . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . my wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . . . and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . . a young guy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . . . . gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact . . . . that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people . . . . . open and see.
Not a crabby old man . . . . Look closer . . . see ME!!

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.  We will all, one day, be there, too!

The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart. 

When I read this poem, I thought of my wife's maternal grandmother.  During the few years that I knew her, she was a noble women that blessed my life.   She was a sterling example of love and kindness to my wife whom she raised as one of her own children.  Unfortunately the last few years weren't so kind to her and the last few times we visited, there was sometimes only a glimpse of recognition.  A needed reminder to myself to appreciate those that have given so much.

Anniversary Troubles

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

I don't know who originally submitted this article. But it's a keeper.

Relationships - Do I Dare?

I've debated long and hard concerning developing a relationships 101 course.  But what the heck.  Live a little, what's life without taking a little risk.  The following are two short articles from various emails that I've received. 

Those final moments

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?  You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to meet or exceed the following minimums:
1. Personable:  a friend, companion, brother, father
2. Skilled:  a chef, electrician, carpenter, plumber, mechanic, decorator, stylist, pest exterminator, organizer
3. Health Professional:  sexologist, gynecologist, psychologist, psychiatrist, healer
4. Family Oriented:  a good father, listener, tender, strong, understanding, tolerant
5. Solid Character:  sympathetic, warm, attentive, intelligent, funny, creative
6. Provider:   ambitious, prudent, capable, courageous, determined
7. Showable:  very clean, athletic, gallant, true, dependable, passionate, compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
8.  give her compliments regularly, but never look at other girls
9. be very rich and love shopping
10. be honest, but never stress her out

AND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:
11. give her lots of attention, but expect little himself
12. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
13. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

FINALLY, IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO:
14. Never forget:
     a. * birthdays *
     b. * anniversaries *
     c. * arrangements she makes *
 
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Hand over the remote

To all the women in my life, from my newest granddaughter, to my mother and especially all the female members of my immediate family, am I in trouble?