Retribution is mine: An 86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank

I received the following from my sweet little lady.  Supposedly, it is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.  I wonder if my little lady will be this feisty.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nano seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused  to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood  person. 

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate. 

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.  I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR  ENGLISH.

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

Politically Incorrect

I don't usually make blond jokes, I have two daughters that are on the blond side.  However sometimes the stories are just to good to pass on.  The biggest challenge is trying to figure out how to categorize it.  I've decided that relationships 101 is the proper category.

1.  Two blonds were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

2.  Five blonde women enter a bar and order a bottle of champagne and ten glasses from the bartender. They go and occupy a table, set a small framed picture in the middle,and start "high fiving" and dancing around the table chanting, "51 days! 51 days!"

A few minutes later, five more blondes enter the bar and join the others at the table. There is much laughing and merriment, alternating with the ritual chanting of "51 days! 51 days!"

Finally, the bartender can no longer control his curiosity and he strolls over to the table to see what is going on.

In the center is a picture of the cookie monster in a frame. When the bartender asks what the celebration is all about, one of the women says, "We were all tired of the blonde jokes about how dumb we are, so we got together and put this puzzle together. On the package it said '2 to 4 years', but we all worked together and put the puzzle together in 51 days!"

4.  A woman went to a doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.

 

After hearing the story the doctor marched back to the first and demanded. What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?

 

 The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked, Does she still have the hiccups?