Give a man a Fish

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day.

Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with free monthly minutes, food stamps, section 8 housing, a forty ounce malt liquor, a crack pipe and some Air Jordan's and he will vote Democrat for the rest of his life.

Teach a man to fish and the Democrats will label you as a bigot, homophobe, Tea bagger, or will accuse you of being filthy rich, wanting to see little children starve to death, or of throwing grandma under the bus.

The Man Rules

With the number of women in my life (spouse, 4 daughters, 2 daughter-in-laws, and 9 granddaughters, I'll probably get in trouble for this one. But it was too good to let it pass.

WOMEN PLEASE READ ------THIS IS IMPORTANT

We always hear "the rules" from the female side....Now here are the rules from the male side.

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down!  Finally , the guys' side of the story.  ( I must admit, it's pretty good.)

These are our rules!  Please note.. these are all numbered "1"  ON PURPOSE!

1.  Men are NOT mind readers.  ( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1.  Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.  We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.  Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1.  Crying is blackmail.

1.  Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

• Subtle hints do not work!
• Strong hints do not work!
• Obvious hints do not work!
• Just say it!

1.  Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.  Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.  That's what we do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.  Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.  In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.  If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1.  If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.  You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.  Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1.  Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.  ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1.  If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.  If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1.  If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.  When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .

1.  Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1.  You have enough clothes.

1.  You have too many shoes.

1.  I am in shape.  Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.  Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

BEST TRUE LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

I received this last week.  It has made it rounds many times - this is the 4th or 5th time I've seen it.  Could it be true?  This version has more details that the other versions I've seen.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina.  A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed  a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'  The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON!  (Stay  with  me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW  FOR THE BEST  PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

It's Spring, Time to prepare the Garden

Sent by an acquaintance at work.  Excellent use of resources.


An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plan his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.  His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

"Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  I know if you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.  Love Papa"


A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden.  That's where the bodies are buried.  Love Vinnie"


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left.  That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.  Love you, Vinnie"

Dallas Taxi Cab

Sent by a co-worker 


An Arab enters a taxi cab in Dallas, Texas ..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: "What are you doing man?"

The Texan answers: "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get your butt out and wait for a camel."

You gotta love Texas!